1/1/2020, Day dot, ground zero, a fresh start call it what you will but sometimes the only way to move forward is to tear everything down and start again. I’ve tried, God knows I’ve tried really hard to make the best of what’s been presented to me these past couple of years. I was always one of those people who put a smile on my face to the outside world and kept moving forward. You know what though everything hasn’t been alright and despite everything I’ve been through in my life, be it my abusive childhood, my road traffic accident that ended my Naval career, the house fire in 2003 3 days before Christmas where the only thing I had left was the clothes I was standing in, I always found a way to soldier on…….
Keep Calm and Carry On
Yet what has happened to my daughter and how it’s effected my family, I have really struggled with it. As a father I have felt helpless and like I was being punished. For me, my family is everything, without them I would not be here today. I have been in some very dark places, but my wife has been the ONLY person strong enough to support me through them. Yet when my daughter became seriously ill, I know how much of a toll it took on my wife and for once I didn’t have a fix. I felt like I was failing as both a father and a husband. Yet I kept it to myself, men don’t cry, yet inside I was a mess.
This has effected everything else in my life. I was short tempered, angry all the time and use to lose my cool over the silliest thing. For me running has been my outlet. Stressed I go for a run, angry I would go for a run but because of my mental state, I wasn’t sleeping well and then I was running fatigued which has caused me since the start of 2018 to be plagued by injury after injury. I kept trying to push on and used to try and put a spin on things but you know what, the past 24 months of running overall have sucked! I have a few bright moments and these coincided with everything at home being OK.
Things came to ahead this past August. I felt a change in career would be the fix I needed. Took my qualifications and made the leap to do personal training/coaching. This had the opposite effect as I was working stupid hours for no income. This meant less time with family, less income and putting even more pressure on my wife’s business and also meant my own running again suffered. Sarah could see this from May but I am very stubborn and could not see the damage I was causing. Even when I went and injured my knee, I ignored all the warning signs. It wasn’t until I went on holiday that I realised how much I wasn’t me. The 7 days with my family was a revelation and a massive wake up call. Some of my favourite memories happened in those 7 days and I made more later in 2019 going to Disney at Halloween and Christmas without the cloud of worry regarding Molly’s heart condition, as she under went a successful operation back in November. Without that its safe say Christmas would have been very different indeed.
So after everything that has happened I’m starting 2020 with a new mindset. The Christmas break allowed us as a family to get over the troubles of the past 24 months and talk to each other about everything.Now that Molly is better there is no longer a cloud hanging over our heads and now we as a family can move on with our lives. After taking a sabbatical from LEGO in 2018/19 to be close to Molly, I’m back with the company and couldn’t be happier.
Don’t look back you’re not going that way
Running wise, I kept trying to push on through the injury. Mid September I found out I had knocked my knee out of alignment (or so I thought) and was slowly getting better. Yet was still trying to put a square peg through a round hole so to speak and it resulted in me again having another setback when I twisted my knee falling in a pot hole! After sorting my professional life and family life out, the last fix was running. It took till the 23rd of December to get an MRI scan and turns out I have a worn cartildge and I have a tear in my meniscus (The meniscus is a piece of cartilage that provides a cushion between your femur (thighbone) and tibia (shinbone). There are two menisci in each knee joint. They can be damaged or torn during activities that put pressure on or rotate the knee joint) Now the person I saw said surgery was the way forward but would mean the end of the road for my running. However I got a second, third and forth opinion. As I wasn’t prepared to end my running career like this. Now I have a working plan to rebuild my surrounding muscles to strengthen them to help support the knee and hopefully this will help me continue running for a while year. At moment it is about taking it one day at a time and slowly rebuilding back up.
So there will be no charity work in 2020, no challenges, no set target races. This year running wise is about falling back in love with just running for me and I have my long suffering wife to keep me in check from now on!
I wanted to let go of the past and stop chasing ghosts. How could I do that with me all over social media with my previous exploits?
Well first, I deleted every social media account Back in October and made a complete clean start. I am the Mohican Runner that will never leave me so I decided to embrace it. I also knew that under GPDR we as individuals have eight fundamental rights:
- Right to Access Personal Data.
- Right to Rectification.
- Right to Erasure.
- Right to Restrict Data Processing.
- Right to be Notified.
- Right to Data Portability.
- Right to Object.
- Right to Reject Automated Individual Decision-Making.
So I instructed a company who specialise in these matters to remove all past references to me across the internet. You might think it’s a drastic measure, I don’t agree because I have two very bad personality traits, firstly I have a very destructive personality. This has always been something I struggled to deal with. I destroy friendships and past relationships but as I grow older it’s something I’ve excepted and working to control it. I feel this is why I don’t stay long in things. Secondly I have a very obsessive personalty. I like everything to be in order, I want to always be better, faster, quicker and my old times was like a noose round my neck and only getting tighter. By having that clean slate and removal of all old data/information it is like a massive weight has been lifted.
You will find this site is brand new as well as everything else connected with running. My about page covers in brief my running exploits just to give people a general background, the same for my past charity efforts. I wanted things to be more general and brief. My personal bests are now non existent, if I could only get a Neuralyzer from Men in Black to remove my knowledge of my times (maybe I will try hypnosis therapy haha).
There you have it. You now know why and yes I’m working on dealing with my personal demons and by hitting the reset button 2020 is going to be my best year yet and with my family by my side I can’t see why not!